Amma loves you Ali Farzan

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I want to be your friend

Hi,

This “hi” is the first sign of the change I am proposing in our relationship; I want to be your friend. I know I am not one of those you wish to be friend with. I do not offer the charisma and spark I noticed in your friends. But not all of our friends are of equal status to us. Some are followers and we keep pleasing them by letting them follow us. Allow me to follow you, Ali Farzan.

To be your friend, I need to have more courage and faith, to have belief in myself. Like you, I want to be courteous and courageous at the same time. It was the art I have learnt from you. Whenever you found some disagreement with an elder, you did not challenge but tried to clear the misconception. I remember the time Tahera mami mentioned the food you left in the plate. You clarified to me later that may be she felt that you were trying to hide the food like always. I was surprised that you agreed to her authority but tried to make clear that you were not wrong. This art is very rare. We either confront or accept what others say. Your social skills were too good for me. But I can try to imitate, to copycat my son.

Being your friend, let me tell that you were not that perfect. Your hesitation of greeting elders was a displeasure to me. My urgency of saying salam to elders sometimes ends up in a joke but you were not enthusiastic about that. I was not sure what I and nani had missed  in guiding you in this regard until I saw you greeting your friends in the school. It was a morning when you entered in the school and I followed you for some reason. I saw you meeting your friends standing in a circle. You whispered “hi” to one or two and shook hands with a couple-thats it, and the chat continued. I saw another friend joining the group in the same manner. That day I realized the generation gap. I told myself that the norms of greetings have got changed. Being a bad follower, I did not change my greeting style. I thought I am the mother so do not need to do things in your way. But now I want to be your friend so need to follow you.

The only pray I make for myself is to find the stay with you forever.  I am sure you will be happy to be with your amma but I am not sure if our roles will be the same. You would have grown further; more knowledgeable, skilful, and lively, and I am noticing decline in myself. I thought I did not need any intelligence, sharpness, and mindfulness after you. I did not have a reason to grow. I thought I cannot see my north star so can stroll to kill the time in this world.  But I was wrong. I can meet you through my prayers but need to grow to be your friend. What if I find everyone having equal relationship in the heaven. This equal relationship demands a better amma. I need to follow your ways and improve my courage, confidence, and sharpness. I have to work for that.

Saronara friend

Twelve years back, the same day

Twelve years back, the same day, I came to realize what is meant by a blessing. I came to know how nice Allah can be, and what a bounty looks like. I saw you the second day of your birth. It is strange but I was scared to see you. The first day the doctor did not ask me to visit you and my fear grew larger of your condition being normal. The second day I went on her insistence and stood hesitantly before the room where you were kept due to the pre-mature birth. My legs were shaking and there was no joy. I did not have faith in myself for being a mother. I saw you with such objectivity. Motherhood came gradually to me. Your warmth changed everything. The fear was replaced by love, the concern by care, and the shaken belief by completeness.

At the time of birth you were too small-just 2 kg. Nani realized that the sweaters she knitted and bought wont fit you. It took her three days to knit the orange sweater for you. It is not a nice shade for kids but that was the first piece of wool she found in her drawers. It fitted you perfectly. I kept it saved to tease you in your youth. I thought I will ask you to imagine how small in size you came to this world by showing that sweater.

It was hard for me to believe the doctors and the nurses that you were a super active child. Munni phopho told me to trust the comments as pre-mature children are comparatively more active. You were diagnosed with mild jaundice and the fifth or sixth day of your birth the light treatment started. The second day of the treatment, the nurse was disturbed; asking me why does she find you out of the bulb’s focus after every two hours. It was the moment I believed in all the comments about your activity. It was cold in the early moths so you were wrapped most of the time except around 12 pm when you were exposed to the sunlight for massage and bath in front of the French window in the bedroom. And you completely enjoyed that freedom hour. I remember the kicks and the movement of hands. I remember the joy I felt while taking care of your tiny but beautiful body.

At the time of your birth I found you the cutest among all the kids in the hospital. I firmly believed that none of them matched you. There were healthier kids but no one looked prettier to you. Now I have realized that every mother thinks the same. But I do not believe that my pride and joy in you is a universal motherhood element. I believe that you are very special. See even Allah Mian has saved you from me teasing you using that orange sweater.  I need to measure its length and width by hand so I can describe its size to you when we meet. Stay blessed and enjoy every moment when we are not together.

Farzan81

It took me two years to realize

It took me two years’ time to realize that attaching sadness to you is actually injustice to you. The time you spent with me here was full of life, joy, happiness, and truthfulness. And me being your ignorant amma, kept adding sadness, misery, doubt, and pity to our relationship. You know how limited my knowledge is. You always felt annoyed at my ignorance. Did not say it but the face expressions told amma every time that you disliked my unfamiliarity with so many things you knew.

Due to my incomprehension I doubted that you will refer to these pieces of writing when we meet. I want to record everything I do here in your absence as I desire you to do the same but did not have the valor. Now I have got that courage. I talked to Aliya Auntie, you don’t know her, she is a new friend of mine. Her only daughter is also with you. She has told me to be happy to keep you happy. If my happiness gives you some joy, I will do that. You dont know how much amma loves you. You had unbelievable faith in her but did not know the extent she can go in your love. I will try to tear the robe of sorrow to save you from even a shade of it. Your amma has no idea how closely you can watch her but you may feel the pain in my heart. To keep you happy, I need to rip off the agony to save you from even the slightest hue of it. You now live in a place offering nothing but joy and your mother should not be a source of distress. I want to meet you and see the same liveliness, brightness, and happiness on your face. It took me two years to realize that my own thoughts can take those away from you. And I cannot think of depriving myself of the joy of watching you with the same old expressions. So I will work on keeping those with you, and Ali Farzan you promise to do the same.

Your signature is no more needed

This year your signature is not needed. We have received visa forms to sign today.  In the last visa form you signed although was not asked to. You wrote your name-ali as you had made the decision to shorten your name. You put a line under it. And put the date in the american order. I was proud at that time. You always gave me pride.

You remember the visa interview. I insisted that you should check the website of the school you will go in Memphis. I told you that you will be asked questions about the school you will not respond as you are mature enough to handle questions related to you. You took it seriously my son as you took each threat of mine. The morning we went to the visa office you were behaving as a responsible adult. The first shock came when you were not asked for the thumb impression as it was needed for above 12 years of age. I saw disappointment on your face-how can you be treated differently as now you were grown up.

We went to the window for the interview after a long wait. You were sitting next to me during all that wait. You stood in the middle, making me and Mustafa to stand on both corners. You were very confident. The officer asked a couple of questions to me and Mustafa and asked the last question-do you want to ask something. I said ‘I have a request, if you dont ask him any question, he will feel deprived’. He got the clue and asked your name. You were happy and responded very confidently. Just to fulfil the duty, he asked, ‘what will you do after returning back to Pakistan’. You said, ‘I will be an author’. He listened and put the pen down. Now he found something interesting. He said, ‘how are you so sure’. You replied, ‘I have already written a book’. You always called the story you wrote as a book and I never had the courage to correct you. You planned it to be published and was asking me many times to look for a good publisher. He said, ‘what is the book about’.  And came your turn to tell the story with all the enthusiasm. There was expression of interest on the officer’s face and he was in no hurry. He said this is the first interview he is enjoying that day. After listening to the story he asked if there was a moral. I interrupted and tried to tell the moral. you didnt like that. It was your story so you corrected me and told that it was about pride and selfishness.It was about the failure such people face ultimately.

We were asked to sign the forms. I was asked to sign your form and I wanted you to do the job. And you signed it happily. I have got new forms. They are two not three. And your sign is not needed. Amma miss you all the time Ali Farzan. Stay happy.

Aside

I miss you calling me amma

Ali Farzan I miss you calling me amma. That was the sweetest sound ever produced in the world. It was like rain drops; soothing and harmonious. I know I will hear that voice again. I know you will hold my hand and direct me. The same way you directed me while crossing the road two days before the accident. I want to follow you as if I am ignorant. And I will be ignorant and you will show me all the places. You were used to behave as if know more than me and that was true many times. I loved your role of guide. This role was giving you power, sense of being knowledgeable, and pride. I will see all these characteristics of you again.

Ali Farzan your friends are playing and making noise. I hear them as they are loud and think that I never heard your voice in such noise. You were blessed not to be loud. Even when you shouted it was not that loud. You were a silent player. But your sound was distinct enough for me. it was powerful enough to convince me even if it was not loud. Do you remember negotiation while buying books. You told me why one was better than other by pointing out at specific parts of a book.

You are with me all the time. It is only that Allah Mian has changed your role from guide to companion. Dont be disappointed. It does not mean that He doubts your knowledge. He is giving you time to attain more knowledge so you can impress me more. Amma loves you Ali Farzan.

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Do wish me on mother’s day

So will come every event without you. I did not believe in these special days but now I want to. I want to celebrate every special day more with you. I want you to give me a card. I never took those cards seriously and took them as an outcome of an activity in school. Now I want to see your hands cutting the paper and holding a marker to write. I want you to give me a flower like you gave once on mother’s day. I did not take those gifts seriously before. Now I want. I want to know that you still love me. I want to get happy on receiving gifts from you as you were use to do. I always thought that you were not behaving decently when getting excited on gifts. Now I want to see that excitement. Do send wishes to me Ali Farzan on mother’s day.